Review: Bama Glama

So Food Network is once again traipsing down the road of Reality TV and farther from actual Food TV.  Their new series, Bama Glama, premiered last week.  So what’s it about?  Here’s how the Network defines it:

Friday nights on Food Network are about to get a little more fabulous. From incredible food to lush floral arrangements, Alabama event designer Scot Wedgeworth creates one-of-a-kind events in Bama Glama, a six-episode original series premiering Friday, December 16 at 8p.m. Eastern/7p.m. Central. With his signature edgy flair, unfiltered sense of humor and volatile team, Scot makes every wedding, birthday party and reception an over-the-top affair.

Bama Glama is remarkable in that it manages to offend me on every possible level.  First and foremost this is not a show about food.  Period.  In an episode they might spend four or five minutes discussing food.  I’m offended that this type of show is on a network that is supposed to be about food.

The acting and writing are wretched.  Perhaps “acting” isn’t the right word.  The “reading” is wretched.  Many scenes of this “reality” program feature people clearly reading (poorly) from cue cards or fighting to remember their lines.  Now I’m not saying the entire show is fake but it’s apparent that certain scenes didn’t go according to plan so they had to fabricate what they had hoped would occur naturally.  I’m offended that they think I’m so stupid I wouldn’t notice that.

Another highly offensive gimmick for the show is the inclusion of a weekly Bridezilla or Mother-of-the-Bridezilla.  You know the types, they feel that a wedding is the bride’s chance to be a princess for a day; in other words raging egomaniacs.  These women never marry for love they marry so they have can be the center of attention for a day.  Well, three days – one for each of their inevitable marriages.

A tangential word of advice to my fellow men.  If at any time during your engagement your fiance says, “Our wedding day is the most important day of our lives” your marriage is doomed.  How can it be the most important day of your lives when it is the least important day of your marriage?  The most important day of your marriage is every day after the wedding.  Now back to business.

Then there is event designer Scot Wedgeworth.  Clearly he is a very creative person.  But, Scot, whenever you have one of your extravagant ideas it doesn’t matter how many times you say “that’s how we do it in the South” it won’t make it true.  They are your very original ideas, take ownership.  But trust me, the average Alabama wedding does not include ballerinas.  I mean 75% of the state’s inhabitants are Southern Baptist, they don’t believe in dancing for any reason.

Many of the things Scot says are typically Southern, aren’t.  I know this because I’ve lived in the South my entire life – seven years in Tennessee, three in Mississippi, a few months in Florida and over three decades in Alabama.  Nothing about this show is an accurate portrayal of life in the modern South.  That blatant and deliberate misrepresentation of an entire culture offends the hell out of me.

Mystery Diners is a great show and so far it’s gotten one episode and now everyone at T Group Productions has to play the waiting game to see if the Network will pick it up.  But this dribble gets a six episode deal?  That means for the next month there is no point in watching Food Network on Fridays because they will be forcing this VH1 reject down our throats.  Now if you’ll excuse me I feel like I need to take a shower or six.