Dear Coca Cola,
I have an idea and I think you are going to like it.

You see, Coke.  Can I call you “Coke?”  Good.

You see, Coke, your product, though tasty and refreshing, isn’t exactly healthy.  Now that in and of itself is not a problem.  After all this is America and if a citizen wants to consume something that is not-healthy that is their right.  The problem is that your products go beyond not-healthy; they are toxic.

Sure most of the ingredients in your soft drinks are benign but there is one ingredient that is the primary cause of the rise in cancer, Diabetes and obesity in the country over the past 30 years.  You know what ingredient I am talking about, High Fructose Corn Syrup.  I think you call him HFCS.  It’s a nickname or a handle or something.  Maybe it’s his Twitter account.  I don’t know.

Now, the US Government knows that HFCS is toxic but they don’t want to come out and say it.  You see, there’s a company named Monsanto (you know who I’m talking about) and they not only invented HFCS but they also manufacture the main ingredient in making it, Genetically Modified Corn.  So Monsanto doesn’t want the masses knowing their creation is lethal.  Therefore they entered into a “business” agreement with the White House.

Now this is not a recent event, they did it back in 1991 and they have maintained a flow of “support” to the Oval Office ever since.  In fact, it appears Monsanto has increased that “support” in the last year and a half.  We’ve noticed a lot of landscaping being done by the new tenets.  These upgrades coincide with Monsanto lobbyists taking on policy making positions within the departments that are supposed to regulate them.

Equate it to our criminal system.  It doesn’t matter how much evidence the police (modern science) compiles if the Prosecutor (USDA, FDA) doesn’t indict then the jury never gets to hear that evidence.  And just to be on the safe side they (Monsanto) also make sure that the Judge (the President) will throw out the verdict.

I know what you are saying, Coke, calm down.  No it is not your fault that our government is corrupt.  But here’s the rub, rather than admit that HFCS is a problem they are calling ALL forms of sugar evil and are even threatening to levy a tax on soft drinks so that people can’t afford them anymore.

Here’s my idea: you come out and admit that HFCS is toxic.  It doesn’t even have to be an out and out admission just say that recent studies have brought into question the use of High Fructose Corn Syrup.  And say that you are going to offer an option.  Say you are doing it for the good of the people; we always buy that because we want to believe it is true.  The government loves to use that one themselves.

Say that you are now going to offer all of your great Coke products in both the economical HFCS recipe and for the “more discerning” Coke lover a recipe sweetened with all natural cane sugar called Coke Premium.  If you phrase it right people will pay the extra five or ten cents you charge per serving.

In fact, it may generate the kind of sales you got when you did the whole “New Coke” thing just to disguise the fact that you changed to HFCS to begin with.  People will be rushing the stores to try Coke Premium.  Not to mention all of the labs and university science programs that will be buying both products so they can do head-to-head comparisons as to how they effect our health.

I’m telling you, Coke, this is a good idea that takes care of everyone.  Monsanto still gets to sell their poison, the government gets to continue taking kick backs from Monsanto, you get to keep selling cheap soft drinks to a lazy consumer that believes water is bland and tea is too much trouble and those of us who enjoy a Coke now and then but not the effects of HFCS can splurge on Coke that tastes like the Coke of old.

I’m telling you, it’s brilliant.

XXX OOO,

Stuart