ToFurkey Is ToFunky

Tofu is not natural. It is a processed food, a highly processed food as a matter of fact. ToFurkey is tofu that is processed over and over and over again. Then it’s processed some more.

Now if you’ll recall I have already exposed to the world that everyone who says they like tofu is lying through their teeth.  No person in the history of mankind, from the wheel to the moon has ever actually liked tofu.  There is no universe where tofu is appetizing.  Those who eat it do so because of peer pressure, insanity or some combination of the two.

Psychologists estimate that 1 person in 10 is completely incapable of recognizing sarcasm.  So for those of you in that 10% I’ll take this opportunity to point out that the previous paragraph was a stellar example of sarcastic hyperbolism.  It is my favorite way to make a point because, well, it amuses me.

That, by the way, was an example of narcissism.

So back to tofu being a nasty, highly processed food.  Most people do not like it’s texture because, well, it’s nasty.  In all honesty it is hard to find any fault with its taste because it doesn’t have any.  Tofu is like eating Styrofoam, only a less appetizing Styrofoam.

Amy’s, a veg-friendly processed food company probably makes some of the most wholesome mass-produced foods on the market and they process their soy beans nine different ways in order to produce a batch of tofu.  You can watch their process HERE.  I have a lot of respect for Amy’s but even they get a few things wrong.

In their video they state that they only use organic soy beans which means they are not genetically modified.  Genetic modification does not disqualify something from being organic.  It should, but it doesn’t.  I guess that’s the result of having a President that’s in the pocket of agri-business lobbyists.  Or more accurately, four Presidents in a row.

So if Amy’s, a company committed to natural, wholesome food, processes soy beans nine times to make tofu can you imagine how many times less scrupulous companies do it?

Now that you know that tofu is a highly processed food dig this.  Recently the History Channel did a segment about how ToFurkey is made.  It starts with tofu (which is processed at least nine times) and processes it even more adding tons (literally) of additives and chemicals.  You college kids may want to try the Processed Foods Drinking Game – just grab a bottle of Jack and take a swig for each new process.  But be forewarned, you may not be around for the end of this video.  Check it out and then read on:

After watching that, the pink goo McDonald’s uses to make their McNuggets doesn’t seem quite as gross.  An interesting note is that the narrator actually referred to ToFurkey as healthy.

There is an important distinction to make here and it is probably the closest you’ll come to an actual point in this ramble of a post.  Thanks to Weight Watcher’s, Jenny Craig, et al along with Hollywood and print media we have confused low-fat/low-calorie with healthy.  Low-fat/low-calorie is not pseudonymous with healthy.

Cyanide is low-fat/low-calorie.

Sarin Gas is low-fat/low-calorie.

Weapons-grade Plutonium is low-fat/low-calorie.

E-coli is low-fat/low-calorie.

Herpes is low-fat/low-calorie.

Get it?  Low-fat/low-calorie is not the same as healthy.  Coconut oil is very high in fat and very high in calories but it is healthier than extra virgin olive oil, canola oil, butter and it is damned sure better for you than margarine.  Both the medium chain fatty acids and the calories in coconut oil will ramp up your metabolism helping your body to burn fat cells better than just about anything out there.  Coconut oil is a classic example of high-fat/high-calorie being healthy.  ToFurkey conversely is a classic example of low-fat/low-calorie being unhealthy.  Plus, it just doesn’t taste very good.

So before you start spouting off about how healthy or ethical tofu is I invite you to go ToFurk yourself.  We ain’t inner-stead, thank ya.

Soy Makes You A Sissy, Literally

When I was a young man growing up in rural Alabama it seemed my friends or brother were always sticking some kind of food in my face with the assertion, “that’ll put hair on your chest.”  Likewise I often heard my father refer to something as, “sissy food.”  More than once I’ve heard that real men don’t eat _______.

Soy Cartoon by Natalie DeeSoy was one of the things real men don’t eat.  Except, of course, as soy sauce.  Some how that’s butch.  But soy milk, soy nuts and especially soy burgers have always meant an immediate revocation of one’s man card.  Well, there has been a lot of scientific data recently that suggests soy actually does have an effeminating effect on men.

In a 2005 study the Journal of Nutrition reported that soy protein is inferior to casein protein (meat) for building muscle tissue.  That one is a no brainer.  There is absolutely no reason to believe that protein from a legume would build more muscle than protein from actual muscle.  The universe just doesn’t work that way.  But it was nice of the Journal of Nutrition to prove it on paper for all to see.

In a recent Harvard study submitted by Jorge E. Chavarro, M.D., Sc.D there is a significant amount of evidence that soy protein decreases testosterone while increasing estrogen.  This leads to lower sperm counts and Gynecomastia (he-hooters, papa’s tatas, man-mories, dude boobs, man teets, gentleman jugs, etc.).  It appears science has actually proven that soy really does turn you into a girl.

Now my question is did pre-Monsanto soy have the same effect?  The majority of the soy growing on this planet today is the result of the genetic mutations of a chemical company in St. Louis, MO.  Monsanto has genetically modified soy beans to survive it’s chemical herbicide Round Up and, as they did with their frakencorn, have made sure that their frankensoy has infected virtually all of the soy farms on the planet.

The only cultures to largely incorporate soy into their daily diet before the 1970’s were those in Asia.  I don’t recall anyone ever referring to Asian men as effeminate.  Certainly you wouldn’t call Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan or Jet Li a sissy.  Same for Yao Ming or Sammo Hung so it kind of makes you wonder if it’s the GM soy that is in fact the problem.  Of course we can’t exactly compare the two since Monsanto has all but eradicated non-GM soy.  At the same time, there has long been a 10 percent higher incidence of erectile dysfunction in Chinese men so maybe Monsanto’s genetic modifications aren’t to blame.

I don’t think anyone should abandon consuming soy but like we are finding out with everything on earth the key is moderation.  I might suggest keeping your soy milk and soy nuts but getting rid of tofu.  Let’s all be honest here for second shall we?  No one likes tofu.  Quinoa Veggie BurgersAs you folks who always profess your love of tofu know, deep down in the places you don’t want people to see your internal voice screams “yuck!” every time you eat that crap.

What must be addressed is that this information is yet another blow to the rapidly collapsing house of cards about the safety of vegan diets.  After all vegans rely heavily on soy to replace the protein their body is supposed to get from animal sources.  Sure they can consume other legumes for protein but few are as versatile as soy.  Could this mean the quinoa burger is the next big craze?  Maybe and I bet it’ll beat the hell out of a tofu burger.

For more on the health risks of veganism check out this experiment by independent health researcher Matt Stone or the shocking article by a self-described, “hardcore, self-righteous and oh so judgmental vegangelical” entitled Vegan No More.  The revelation that veganism was killing her has actually earned death threats from all of those meat-is-murder vegans.  For more about the new findings about soy you can check out this extensive article by Jim Thornton of Men’s Health Magazine.

Follow Stuart via “the Online”

Sip & Chew with Mike and Stu

Add to Google


Stuart in 80 Words or Less

Stuart is a celebrity chef, food activist and award-winning food writer. He penned the cookbooks Third Coast Cuisine: Recipes of the Gulf of Mexico, No Sides Needed: 34 Recipes To Simplify Life and Amigeauxs - Mexican/Creole Fusion Cuisine. He hosts two Internet cooking shows "Everyday Gourmet" and "Little Grill Big Flavor." His recipes have been featured in Current, Lagniappe, Southern Tailgater, The Kitchen Hotline and on the Cooking Channel.

Stu’s Latest Kindle Single is Just $2.99

Stuart’s Honors & Awards

2015 1st Place Luck of the Irish Cook-off
2015 4th Place Downtown Cajun Cook-off
2015 2nd Place Fins' Wings & Chili Cook-off
2014 2015 4th Place LA Gumbo Cook-off
2012 Taste Award nominee for best chef (web)
2012 Finalist in the Safeway Next Chef Contest
2011 Taste Award Nominee for Little Grill Big Flavor
2011, 12 Member: Council of Media Tastemakers
2011 Judge: 29th Chef's of the Coast Cook-off
2011 Judge: Dauphin Island Wing Cook-off
2011 Cooking Channel Perfect 3 Recipe Finalist
2011 Judge: Dauphin Island Gumbo Cook-off
2011 Culinary Hall of Fame Member
2010 Tasty Awards Judge
2010 Judge: Bayou La Batre Gumbo Cook-off
2010 Gourmand World Cookbook Award Nominee
2010 Chef2Chef Top 10 Best Food Blogs
2010 Denay's Top 10 Best Food Blogs
2009 2nd Place Bay Area Food Bank Chef Challenge
2008 Tava: Discovery Contest Runner-up


Subscribe to this blog

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

ISO 9000 Culinary Arts Certification